30

Embracing 30

I turned the big 3-0 almost 2 weeks ago. A milestone. A new chapter. A new decade. A chance to reflect on my life thus far and make any changes necessary to get to where I want to be.

What’s nice about my birthday being at the end of December is that New Year’s is just around the corner. I feel like I get to double dip in the symbolism of what this time of year brings for me. A fresh start. A chance to start again. An opportunity to leave the past behind me. There is so much hope and optimism for the future and all its possibilities.

It’s funny how much I dreaded this day coming when I was in my mid-to-late 20’s. If you are anything like me, it was daunting to think about where you “should be” by this point in your life. But as the day approached closer and closer, I came to be more accepting of it. I became increasingly aware of my past, present and future self. And I wanted to celebrate that growth and transformation. The past decade has been a roller coaster ride of ups, downs, and loop de loops.

God has plans for you that are meant to give you hope and a future Jeremiah 29:11

Grow Through What You Go Through

I started to realize that while I was technically an adult in my 20’s and had a lot of huge life milestones, I also still had a lot of growing up and learning to do. I made mistakes and decisions that don’t align with my values and morales. Heck, I had a moment 2 weeks before my birthday. A result of not being able to let go of what was and accept what is. I was actively trying to push away reality to avoid losing someone I deeply care about. But this meant denying uncomfortable truths because that meant I had to accept letting go. And at the time, I just wasn’t ready. But that situation, like most things, truly became a blessing in disguise. I’m able to finally untie some lose ends. They say that what you are attracted to while you are broken will disgust you when you’re healed. Our coping mechanisms and the things we run to when we are trying to heal, they are simply bad habits we learn to break when we feel ready to do so. I used to only know chaos. Things being content scared me because I was so unfamiliar with it. I’m beginning to look at this differently and realized contentment is just that I’m at peace. And I no longer crave the chaos.

My birthday, I was surrounded by so much love. I had family and friends around me who have met the skeletons in my closet and still love and support me. I had a moment of focusing on who wasn’t there for me, but my husband quickly reminded me of those who did show up for me. And focusing on them instead changed everything. Mindset is key. That’s how I want my life to be moving forward. I’ve spent so much time focusing on people who have hurt me and let me down. I let them define me. I let them decide my worth and how I felt about myself. And it’s okay to feel sad when the ones you love and care about hurt you. But I let it consume me, and that’s what I’m wanting to leave behind in my 20’s.

I know I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I feel good about the path that I’m on. I’m not perfect, but I’m confident with who I am and in my own skin. I know what’s important to me in my life, what I want, what I need, and what goals I want to reach. I know who's in my circle and who needed to be pushed out. That’s what I think I love most about my 30’s so far: I went into it feeling so fulfilled and happy. The things that used to bother me, I noticed they don’t so much anymore because I’m so grounded into what gives me purpose.

But that didn’t come easily. My 20’s were filled with a lot of “big life” milestones. I was 19 when I moved out on my own for the first time. But not just move out. I moved out with my almost four-year-old daughter, and we moved into our first place together with her dad. Four days after I turned 20, we became engaged. And 6 months later, we were married in an intimate ceremony with our immediate family and closest friends. A couple years later, we welcomed our son into the world and bought our first home just a month beforehand.

But my 20’s were also filled with heartache. Ian was diagnosed with his brain tumors. I lost any faith I had in this cruel world. I had 2 grandparents pass away within months of each other and watched my family fall apart. My marriage faced hardships, miscommunications, and rough patches. I lost a few good friends. And a few people who were never my friends. I had family who cut me out of their life. And I had family I cut out of mine. And then… Ian had his brain injury. And everything changed.

My perspective on life shifted significantly. I changed significantly. While Ian was relearning how to walk, talk, and swallow, I was relearning faith and the true meaning of unconditional love. I learned patience and self-care. And I learned how resilient my little family truly is.

As life has shown me over and over again, what’s meant to be, will be. Things always have a way of falling into place exactly the way they are supposed to. Even in the most difficult of moments when you think you will be crushed under the pain of it all, the light will shine again on the darkness. And you will find there was purpose for the pain. Without pain and darkness, we cannot appreciate the joy and light.

I recognize that my growth as a person, as a mother, and as a partner is an ongoing journey. I don’t need to have it all figured out. I’m still learning, evolving, and still figuring out how to balance all the different areas of my life. It’s a continual process of growth and transformation.

Motherhood

Becoming a parent so young was not on my bingo card. My mom had me young and always warned me how hard it was and that she wanted better for me. Looking back now, I wouldn’t change anything. Young motherhood has significantly shaped me into the person I am today, and it’s taught me some of the most important lessons of life very early on.

Time is precious. The sleepless nights were long, but the days and years have flown by. These moments in motherhood have been precious. I want to go into this next phase of my life with more intention on how I spend my time with them.

I’ve had plenty of moments of practicing patience—not just for my children, but for myself as well. I understand now that growth takes time and that setbacks are part of the process.

I’ve learned how to prioritize self-care more. Whether it’s quiet mornings with a cup of coffee to start the day or time out with friends, I’ve learned that taking care of myself is just as important as taking care of others. Pouring from an empty cup never did me any good. Taking small moments to care for myself and allow my body, mind, and soul to recharge have allowed me to show up in the way I want and need to.

Becoming a parent, particularly the parent of a medically complex child, forced me to embrace the unknown and become more flexible. I quickly learned life doesn’t go according to plan. But I’m learning to let go of control, go with the flow, make the best of things, and trust that it’s all going to work out.

And then there’s the feeling of unconditional love. Nothing compares to the purest form of love there is- the love I feel for my children. I’ll carry it with me, always. It’s hard to admit I’ve made some selfish decisions in my 20’s. But as I enter my 30’s, everything I do will be directly linked back to my children, my love for them, and how my decisions directly impact them.

Through all the challenges, the rewards of motherhood have been beyond measure. And it’s my greatest accomplishment. It fills me with so much purpose and gratitude each and every day.

Marriage

There was nothing I wanted more than to be married to Mike, and this was a pretty immediate feeling I had very early on in our relationship. But, of course, getting together at such a young age didn’t come without its uncertainties and hardships. It’s not always a fairytale. It’s not always throwing rocks at a window or the honeymoon phase. It’s about building a partnership based on respect, communication, and love of one another. It’s easy to run away when things get hard. But what I’ve learned is that it’s about that one person who walks with you through the hard stuff. I am blessed to share my life with a partner who wants to learn and grow with me. To continue building a life and a future together.

I think one of the most difficult challenges we faced as a couple was having to grow up together. Neither of us are the same person we were when we met at 13. We were still figuring out who we are and what we wanted out of life. And in the midst of all that, we were also trying to maintain our relationship. There were so many moments of being torn between wanting what we had but still wondering how I can possibly know that if he was the only person I’d ever been with. This caused both of us to go against our morales and values at times. It caused major miscommunication between us. And the uncertainty of it all was scary. But once we were finally able to communicate these feelings, everything changed for us. We are growing together instead of growing apart. This year we will celebrate 10 years of marriage and 16 years of being together. I see how much we’ve evolved together and as individuals over the years, and I’m so proud of how far we’ve come.

Getting together so young, there felt like there was pressure to “prove” that our love is real. And for a while, that pressure weighed heavily on me. We had to navigate not just our own insecurities, but the judgments and assumptions of others. However, we realized that only we could define our marriage. We started focusing on us, our relationship, and began to trust in our own bond, regardless of what anyone else thought or said. I’ve learned that the only opinion that matters is our own. As long as we are happy, fulfilled, and growing together, that’s what truly matters.

The challenges we have faced together have given us a bond that is hard to describe. We’ve supported each other through Ian’s medical complexities, career changes, financial struggles, family/friendship losses, and personal growth. Each obstacle has brought us closer, and each win we get to celebrate together. Our history is unique to us, from the early years of struggling to the quiet moments now in the home we’ve built together. We’ve seen each other at our best and at our worst but continue to choose each other. We’ve learned how to laugh through the chaos and hold each other up in the hard times. We’re not the same people who married years ago, but the journey we’ve been on has brought us closer together and made us stronger as a couple. We’ve learned that love isn’t just about the happy times; it’s about facing hardships together and coming out on the other side even more united. I can’t help but feel a deep sense of gratitude and appreciation.

While life won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, I’m confident in our ability to face anything that comes our way. We’ve been through things meant to tear couples apart, but we came out on the other side each and every time. As we look forward to the next decade of our lives, I know that whatever challenges we may face, we’ll be stronger for having faced it side by side.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Friendships

Quality over quantity. My circle has definitely gotten smaller, but I’m surrounded by people I have deeper connections with; It’s not just surface level acquaintances to hang out with just to simply have a good time. I have friendships that truly enrich my life and share similar values. We celebrate each other’s victories, and we support each other through the hard times. Some friendships naturally fade away, and some need to be severed in an instant. And all of that is okay. Life, and people, change. What remains important is continuing to surround yourself with good people who lift you up, challenge you to be your best self, and who give you as much love as you give them.

Not all friendships are meant to last forever and letting go of those that no longer serve me has been a difficult process for me. But releasing past friendships means making room for the ones that align with me, my life, and my values. This shift has been freeing, but also difficult in moments when I’m reminiscing on what was. I’m learning to shift focus on the relationships that matter and to invest more in those that bring joy and support into my life. And while it can be painful to release the friendships that once felt like an important part of my life, I’ve learned that it does me no good to hold onto people who don’t choose me the way I choose them.

Looking Ahead

Whether I’m thinking of the new year or the next decade, I look forward to growing further on my journey, in motherhood, in my marriage, in my friendships, and navigating the ups and downs of it all. I’m embracing all the good, bad, and ugly that has brought me here to this moment. As hard, shameful, and regretful some things have been, I know I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without all of it. And because I know what I know now, I can look to the future with more excitement, hope and wisdom and less fear of the unknown.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11

Here’s to embracing 30- may it be filled with love, growth, and resilience.