Finding the Light in the Darkness

Eyes closed. It’s pitch black. You open them. But it’s still dark. You try to move, but you keep bumping into things. But you have no choice. You have to find a way out. So, you keep going. All while colliding with objects and hitting a wall. But eventually, you see it. A light. The light at the end of the tunnel. You found the light in the midst of the darkness.

I’ve been to pretty dark places in my life. Not knowing when or how I would see the light again. There were times it felt nearly impossible. And I questioned if I was even going to make it out. But somehow, I did.

When Ian was first diagnosed with brain tumors, I remember how angry I felt. How bitter I became. I often repeated “This isn’t fair, he’s just a baby.” I had an extremely hard time coping with his diagnosis. Accepting it.

I stayed in the darkness for much too long. I was angry with the world, and I saw a version of myself that I didn’t like.

Ian’s second hospital stay, when his tumor hemorrhaged, as awful as the situation was, it now feels like it was a second chance to do things right. A chance to change my perspective and live life in a way that I wasn’t before.

For the first time since July 2019, I began to see the light.

I learned that life is going to throw you curveballs that are completely out of your control. I had to learn how to let go and surrender that control. Control I thought I had, but never actually did.

I learned that I had to feel all the awful, painful, sad and frustrating experiences in order to appreciate the good, heartfelt, happy and loving ones. If we never experience the lows, we can’t know what the highs are like. And we certainly can’t appreciate them for all that they are.

I learned to choose love. Over and over again. I chose anger for so long. I was angry at the world, and at people, who had nothing to do with us and our situation. Once I started to choose love and kindness, the anger began to fizzle out. And I began to feel like myself again.

And yet, I’ll never be who I once was. Any time we walk through any kind of darkness, when we come out into the light, we are, in a way, born again. Taking on new molds and shells of ourselves as we grow and learn throughout life.

And I think most importantly, I rediscovered my faith in God and in the Universe. There are beautiful and kind people out here, and I strive to be like all of them. To be that little bit of hope in someone’s life when all else seems lost. I wouldn’t have made it through if it weren’t for the people and divine intervention that took place during those 3 long months. I experienced so much love, compassion, kindness, and gentleness; It’s now my purpose to put that back into the world, so freely, the way it was given to me and my family.

If I didn’t have the experience of watching my child’s unconscious body in a hospital bed, covered in tubes and wires, fighting for his life, I wouldn’t be able to have anywhere near the gratitude I have today. I get to wake up with my kids in the comfort of our home. I get to see my child find joy in nearly everything throughout his day. And even through the hardships that come after a brain injury, I can find gratitude and happiness as I get to watch Ian reach his goals.

Some exciting news for us, Ian is actually going to be getting discharged at the end of the month from his outpatient physical and occupational therapies! Ian still needs these services, but he gets them in school, so the idea now is that Ian has been doing so well in these areas that it is no longer a need for him to miss school to get those services. It’s something so simple, but something we get to celebrate.

Another milestone met.

Mike said something to me the other day. He said, “We have the unique experience of getting to watch our son take his first steps twice.”

I’ll never forget the day Ian took his first steps, unassisted, after his hemorrhage. The tears falling from my face, the rehab staff encouraging him and cheering him on.

And isn’t this what life is about? Finding the Light in the Darkness.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

John 1:5

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A Chance