Our New Normal
Getting a cancer diagnosis completely turns your world upside down. Whether it’s you or a loved one. Whether you are younger or older. And no matter what type of cancer it is or what grade.
While we know we are so incredibly blessed that Ian’s brain tumors are not malignant, that doesn’t mean they still aren’t a concern. Just look at what happened a mere 10 months ago. Had one thing gone differently that evening, if we didn’t get Ian to the ER as quickly as we did, if the doctors weren’t as quick to act, that hemorrhage of his tumor could have very easily killed him. A low-grade tumor, though not as quick to grow and spread as malignant ones, still possess the ability to be detrimental.
And now this is our life. Things we never thought would happen to us, happened to us. And now it’s so hard to not wonder if it will happen again. Now any time Ian’s seizures have a flare up, I have to question is it because of the usual he grew and just needs his meds adjusted or is it because there’s bleeding on/in his brain? Any time he says he has a headache, is it just a normal headache, or is it something more serious? Any time he gets sick and throws up, now I have to wonder, is it some kind of stomach bug illness or is it hydrocephalus?
There are times we are able to push the anxiety down with a grateful heart, and just be present in the moment with him. But next Friday is scan day. And these times always bring out the anxiety. The fear. After our last scan, I almost felt excited to see what his next one would show since we got such good results. But as we inch closer to that date, I can feel the pessimism sinking in. I’m finding it harder to stay positive and optimistic. Because what if….
We are learning to navigate our newest verison of normal life. What I’ve learned is that the what if game will slowly kill you. You can wonder about the past and if one thing had been different, how things would be today. You can think about the future and wonder if something will happen and how you will handle it. But you can’t change the past. And you can’t overanalyze on something that may never be. Fear is a thief of joy. And you can’t let it rob you of this moment.