The Value of Patience

The Universe has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn throughout our life. I’ve always been a believer that things happen for a reason, even if we don’t know that reason. The hardships come in and show us what we lack. The blessings come in to show us what to be appreciative of. Light cannot exist without the dark.

I’ve always been a fairly impatient person, in the sense that once I have a goal in mind, I want it right then and now. I start planning my steps to get there, and I want to execute it in that exact moment, without fully thinking through of any consequences or roadblocks that could be in my way. What I’ve found when I act on this impulse is that it normally doesn’t work out for me the way I hoped. Or I just flat out lose interest in it.

More obvious right now, I have to find patience in waiting for Ian to get better. Today is one week and five days since we’ve been in the hospital. One week and five days of just sitting on the sidelines, wanting to help, but not able to. Ian has been very sensitive to med changes, which honestly doesn’t surprise me; He’s sensitive to things when he’s not in a medically induced coma so he’s just showing off his personality. But with that means we have to do things slowly. In cases like Ian, the staff has to take things slow anyway, but particularly more so with Ian. We are getting there, slowly but surely, and while I see the positive progress that’s been made, I also want to just wake him up and take him home. But I know that isn’t what’s best for him right now. He still needs time to heal. And I need to be patient.

My inability to be patient though seems to be stemming out in other directions. I need to do SOMETHING. Playing on my phone, coloring, and crossword puzzles aren’t exactly doing it for me anymore. I started researching the steps to start a charity or nonprofit organization in Ian’s name. All of this pain, all of this fighting, it has to mean something. There has to be a reason our sweet, innocent, 5-year-old boy has had to fight his whole life. He’s a light in this world, and I’ll make sure the world knows it.

But like everything else, I need to be patient in this step. Because while I’m ready to jump into that project now, when Ian wakes up, he’s going to need me. And he comes first.

I’ve learned a lot through this experience. One of the things I think I’m learning now is the value of patience. I’ve realized that when I try to rush things, it doesn’t work out. I tried to rush getting a new job because I was mentally so drained from the cancer center last year. I almost took a job as a fellowship coordinator, but after truly assessing the pros and cons of it, I realized I was going to be left in the same situation I was in then. But I wanted so badly to leave that I still considered it, trying to justify why it would be good. I ultimately decided to not take it, and after some patience, I landed the job I have now. A job I love. A job that I can work from home. A job that pays more and, in my opinion, is less stressful. This wouldn’t have happened if I had taken that other job. If I remained impatient.

I’m 27 without a college degree. I’ve been in college since I was 19. Since I had Gabby so young, I just wanted a semester off from being a mom, a student, and working. For the most part, I would only take one or two classes at a time. I took many other semesters off, especially when Ian was first diagnosed. I’ve also changed my major many times, so it’s no wonder I don’t have a degree yet. I decided at the end of July to try again, and I signed up for another class. If you haven’t guessed, I dropped it with Ian’s current state. I wrote about this before. About trying to get to this finish line to get my degree. I want it NOW, but I can’t have that right now. It requires a lot of work and a lot of time. As I sit in this hospital room with nothing to do but overthink, I started thinking about how important school is to ME. While I would love to be able to say I was a teen mom who graduated high school AND got my college degree, I don’t think that’s my path. When things aren’t meant for you, things won’t align. Maybe my purpose doesn’t align with a college degree. Maybe my purpose aligns with being a mother, caring for Ian through his illness, advocating for him, spreading light through my blog, starting a non-profit I mentioned earlier. Endless inspiring things that I for one, LOVE, and for two, don’t need a degree for. Trying to go to school takes away from all of these things. And as I think more about it, I often wonder if I just want a degree because it’s what you’re “supposed” to do with your life. To be like everyone else. To fit in. But that just feeds my ego. It doesn’t feed my soul. Because I’m successful right now without a college degree. I am able to provide for 2 kids, provide a roof over our head, food on the table, clothes on our back. I’m able to give them a decent Christmas and take them on mini adventures and vacations here and there. I have to be patient that I’ll find my own path to success and fulfillment.

My husband and I have been through a lot in our 14-year-relationship. Things meant to tear couples apart. It was tempting to just throw in the towel when things got hard. But we decided to keep working on it, even starting from the bottom at one point. And then working our way back up. If I wasn’t patient for the rebuilding, there’s so much we would have missed out on, so much more chance for regret for not giving it our all. Same goes with Gabby- I’m learning to be patient with her opening up to us. Forcing her to talk about her feelings isn’t going to help her feel comfortable and safe. I have to let her come to me at her own pace.

The same also goes with other relationships in my life. I had to work on myself this past year, and in doing so, I’ve lost a lot of relationships with certain family members and friends. Some were by my choice because I knew that was what was best for me. Some weren’t my choice, and I struggled with it. It was an ego hit, let’s be honest. I’m not good at accepting that people don’t like me, but this is where a lot of my problems stemmed from on why I needed to work on myself. I worked through a lot in the past year, and yet I know I still have a long way to go. It was very early on in that process I began missing that feeling of friendship. But I knew I wasn’t ready. As I’m more and more patient with the process, old and new friendships are coming in my life. The old ones coming back have brought more clarity on situations. They’ve allowed me to sit back and realize how much I truly let my ego take over. I need to be more patient with others, respecting their boundaries, and allowing love that is meant for me to come to me. Not force it. And being able to give that love back to them that they give to me.

The most important relationship I need to be patient with is the one with myself. I’m still learning how to love myself. I poured myself into other people when I should’ve been pouring into me, myself, and I. As usual, I wanted the change to happen now. And if it didn’t happen now, that meant I couldn’t have it, I would never receive it, and I would give up. But this takes work. Breaking old habits and old ways of thinking doesn’t happen overnight. It requires work. And patience.

As I circle back to being patient with Ian’s healing, I realize more how patient I need to be with myself, too. My emotions are very up and down. This idea that I need to be strong and not show my true emotions is what helped start some of my personal issues in the first place. This idea I need to hide any negative emotion. It helps ME to process what I am truly feeling. It helps ME to get the negative emotions out so that I can focus on where my energy needs to go. And I am strong for doing so. Being strong doesn’t mean you’re smiling and being optimistic. Being strong is also crying and screaming. It’s embracing the pain you feel in your heart. Being strong is being afraid. And admitting that you are scared. What makes you strong is you keep going anyway. Despite knowing, acknowledging, how scared you are. I’ll be damned if I let anyone tell me how I’m supposed to feel.

There hasn’t been a whole lot to report with Ian. The doctors and nurses are still working around the clock to get him out of the medically induced coma. But we can’t do this too fast, or it could cause more harm than good to Ian’s health. It’s all at his pace, and he just isn’t ready yet. We just have to be patient.